writersclub.iafrica.com | trixy_honore | columns Love and lunacy

Imagine you've, um, allegedly kicked and stamped on someone who was trying to get you to leave their pub, and you're now on trial. Who would you pick to come along to lend you moral support?

The answer's Pete Doherty, of course. He's had so very much experience with courtrooms that he's sure to be a help.

Though Blake's the one in the dock, Amy's reputation isn't really all that rock solid at the moment — just take this priceless comment that Winehouse's rep made at the time of her hubby's arrest: "The only thing I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with drugs and that Amy is fine and she has not been charged or arrested."

Wow, no illegal drugs involved and she's not the one being arrested! Would that all PRs had such model clients.

Speaking of drugs… Pete has fallen off the wagon again, I'm afraid. Yes, Mr. Doherty's been at the heroin again. Yet again.

Says his record label, EMI: "Peter sadly relapsed last week and is now looking to check himself back into a rehab clinic so that he can try to continue the hitherto excellent attempts he had made to break free of heroin." Hitherto excellent? I guess he hasn't been had up on drugs charges for a good few weeks at least, come to think of it.

"He realises that he has not only let himself down," continues the statement, "but has let down those who trusted and encouraged his efforts and he is filled with remorse for what he describes today as, 'a stupid, stupid action for which I feel only shame.'" Nonetheless, he has managed to find himself a replacement model for Kate Moss — namely Irina Lazareanu, with whom he's chilling out in the England countryside, trying to stay away from the hard partying life.

No hard partying for Lindsay Lohan, apparently — just heart-warming amounts of community service. Her dad — who was convicted and jailed for fraud, before finding religion and becoming a minister while incarcerated — says that this is just a natural resurgence of the goodness he inculcated in Linds as a child with his top-notch parenting.

Sure, Lohan's 10 days of work in Los Angeles at a Red Cross blood services facility were mandated by the court, but don't let that blind you to the fact that this is really the result of her upbringing.

"When she was younger I had her at hospitals, visiting cancer patients and sick kids," says the father of Lohan. "I know she wants to do stuff like this, mission work. I asked her how it was going and she said she is really enjoying it. She's happy." Fan-tastic. Let's hope she also enjoys that year-and-a-half alcohol education programme.

Paris was reported to have drawn our attention to the plight of Indian elephants that are accidentally electrocuting themselves on power lines after getting drunk on rice wine. "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," Paris is alleged to have said, adding, "It's just so sad."

The group People for Animals is grateful for the attention she's drawn to this cause. "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in north-east India going berserk," says a rep for the organisation. "As part of her global elephant campaign, Hilton should... think of visiting this region literally infested with elephants." Literally infested?

TRIXY HONORÉ

(pronounced On-or-ay) delights in the candyfloss vacuousness of celebrity gossip. Living in New York City, Trixy keeps an eye out for the rich and famous of the Big Apple as she hunts for great vintage clothing and tries to balance the joys of both style and substance. She is a firm believer in nice manners, wrist-length gloves and the greatness of television.

Got something to say about Bitch and Famous? Email her!

As far as I know, Sophie Ellis-Bextor has not denied her recent comments on the Spice Girls — which means that I now like her even less than I used to, which was not a lot. Not a lot at all.

"I don't like the video," comments Sophie of the Spicers' new single, entitled 'Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)'. "I don't understand why they're singing in their underwear when they're talking about friendship… they are supposed to be singing about being friends – why do they have to be in their bra and pants to do that?"

Ja, it's, like so much better to wander around boringly in stupid green eye-shadow singing awful, awful 'songs'. That's way better. The Spice Girls really should do that instead.

You know, it feels kind of mean to diss Britney Spears, given that she's having a pretty damn awful time of it at the moment, but I just have to weigh in on her supposed recent bout of charity towards the kids.

Britters has generously donated one copy of her new album 'Blackout', which she herself has signed, to be auctioned off on eBay. The highest current bid is a tremendous $7300 (over R48 000) — with the money from the winning bid going to Unicef.

"I think it's important to give back and, with the release of 'Blackout', this seemed the perfect opportunity to give the fans a chance to bid on something to help children everywhere," said Spears. Yeah, letting your fans give money to charity really is nobility personified.

And, finally, I leave you with the intriguing rumour that former teen pop-star turned actress Mandy Moore is said to be dating former 'Friends' star Matthew Perry.

According to one onlooker, the pair recently enjoyed a cosy date in Beverly Hills: "He was already seated and waited for her for 15 minutes until she arrived. He stood up to greet her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. They were holding hands across the table and being really close and laughing a lot the whole time." Ag, Foei tog!