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Sometimes a bridesmaid has to complain. The shocking pink dresses, the lecherous uncles and the adolescent younger brothers, is it all really worthwhile? Mimi Tsiane puts it down in writing...

Dear Bride,

I have known you for many years and you have never indicated your love for earth-shattering electric pink. Which why I was shocked when you handed me the swatches for the bridesmaids' dresses in a shiny satin. Satin? couldn't you have gotten something in spandex? You know that there is no way that that satin can cover every inch of my body, and you didn't even offer to get me a girdle.

And why is it that you asked all the bridesmaids to wear their hair in a bun; you know that my hair is short and I had to get Laura to hook me with some strange-looking hair extension. Do you know how guilty I felt the next day as I watched horses frolicking on television and thought of my hair being taken from those poor unsuspecting animals.

And did you realise that I really can't dance? Why is it that you chose to pair me up with your 18 year old brother who gyrates at the mere hint of song? Not only did I have to hop furiously around him for a good hour so the elders wouldn't be insulted by our enthusiastic dancing, but I also had to prevent him from pulling out my 'hair'.

I know that I said that you should introduce me to a single man, and believe you me I am really pleased you did. But here's the thing, your Uncle Henry may be single, but he is also 54. And yes, I you said that he's not afraid of marriage; tell that to his third wife.

I don’t understand why you didn't point the bouquet at me, so that there was a possibility of me catching it. I had to fight your cousin Moira for that one twig, all the flowers had been dispersed by the time I got it.

But that night, as I sat beside your brother, compressed in the bright pink dress now peppered with food stains, my feet aching in too tight ill-fitting shoes, I felt a sense of calm. You looked so happy and bright in your white dress, I told you the gold sequins would bring out the highlights in your hair.

Have fun with this whole marriage thing!
Love Always.
Your Bridesmaid,
PS. I know you are still not speaking to me because of that little incident with your Maid of Honour cousin Moira, her behavior truly dishonored her position. And yes, I still maintain that I caught the bouquet.