CAST

Director
A gruff miserable character, with very little to redeem him.

Lorraine
A no-nonsense, long-suffering PA.

Sound Man
Also long suffering, but not quite as businesslike as Lorraine.

Amy
The star of the show, such as it is.

Lighting Man
Same as the sound man, but different discipline.

1 INT.SOUNDSTAGE

A soundstage, not unlike the Rhodes Box Theatre. Bright spotlighting, surrounded by deep darkness. Sitting centre stage is a director in a canvas seat. Next to him is a megaphone, a glass of distilled mineral water and a script on a small set table.

Director
Okay people. Let's do this fucking thing and go home. Lorraine get me some coffee.

Lorraine
You're such a cliché.

Director
What was that?

Lorraine
How many sugars?

Director
Two, and cream this time, not that bloody awful creamer stuff. Okay?

Silence. Then…

Director
Hello? Is anyone listening to me? For Christ's sake. Can we get something done before we lose the light?

Lighting Man
Er…we can't lose the light. This is a soundstage.

Director
Oh really? And what would you know?

Lighting Man
That we can't lose light on a soundstage.

Director
Oh please fuck off. Right can we get the dancers in p..lease? Where's Amy? Has anyone seen Amy? Oh for God's sake, would someone please get Amy in here. Christ I hate music videos. Where's my coffee?

Lorraine
Here it is. I also have the brief.

Director
Brief? Do I look like I need a brief? How many days have you been out of film school? Huh? Make yourself useful. Lie under that bench over there.

I'm sorry, but I really think you should read the brief.

Director
Shut up! Right. Roll music.

Sound Man O/S
What music?

Director
WHAT?

Sound Man
What music?

Director
Who the fuck are you?

Sound Man
I'm the sound man.

Director
Right. Where is the music for this video?

Sound Man
What video?

Director
Christ!

Sound Man
Did you get the brief?

Director
I do not need a sodding brief! If one more person mentions a brief murder will be done in this fucking room. Where are the dancers? Did I not call for the dancers? Hello? I distinctly remember asking for the dancers. Is anyone listening to me?

Amy
Hi.

Director
Amy. Where have you been?

Amy
In the trailer reading the brief.

Director
That's it. I want everyone in front of me NOW!

The 'cast and crew' arrive and assemble before him. He is left facing Amy, Lorraine, a sound man and a lighting man.

Director ctd...
Is that it? Four people? How can I be expected to make a music video with only four people? Would someone please explain that to me!

Light Man
We're not making a music video.

Director
Don't tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. I know perfectly well what I'm supposed to be doing.

Silence. Then…

Director ctd...
Would someone please tell what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing here?

Amy
Did you read the brief?

Director
(Mimicking) Did you read the brief?- the brief, the brief, the brief. Fuck your brief. Where is the rest of the crew?

Lorraine
There is no crew. Check the brief.

Director
Right that's it! Where's this brief?

Lorraine hands him the brief and he consults it, glances through the script on his table and back at the brief again.

Director
A five-minute film? What?

Lighting Man
We have to make a five-minute film - a one-man act. I guess you're it.

Director
But we're not ready. We haven't the crew or the props or…oh shit! The script! Where's the script?

Lorraine
I don't think you need one personally.

Director
But we can't do a film without a script. Can we?

Amy
I think you're managing okay.

Director
But this can't be right.

Sound Man
You should have read the brief.

Director
I didn't have the fucking brief!

Lorraine
You know what. I think I've had enough of this. I'm off.

Director
But what about the budget? The publicity? What about the fucking coffee?

Amy
I don't think I'm needed here either.

Director
No. You can't go. I need my star. What are you going to do? Oh shit.

Lighting Man
There's no reason for me to hang around either I guess. I'll see you later.

But you can't go. Who'll do the… (Lights go out).

Director
No wait. Please don't go.

Sound Man
Too late. By the look of it I'd say he's already gone. Come to think of it, I don't exactly have a lot of time to hang around either.

The director flicks his lighter and small light illuminates his face. He searches in the darkness for the sound man and finds him.

Director
But you have to stay. We have to get this thing done. People'll see it. They'll think it's shit, they'll…

Suddenly realising one very important thing.

…Oh no.

Sound Man
What?

Director
This is a five minute film right?

Sound Man
Yes.

Director
How much time do we have left?

Sound Man
Oh I'd say about thirty seconds. See ya.

Director
Wait…(silence).

The director approaches the camera fearfully. Slowly he draws closer, until his face fills the screen, lit only by the feeble, flickering beam of his lighter. As his face fills the screen we see him mouth a mute but unmistakeable 'Oh shit' and we fade out.

THE END